Have you ever felt that you had something important to say, but the way you said it destroyed your own self confidence and, what’s worse, you were unable to drive the point home? Recently, Dr. Grace Lee has published a new video about what kind of phrases or language leaders should avoid when addressing board members or in high stakes conversations. The art of leadership presentation has always fascinated me, as there is so much nuance in the choices that need to be made that usually escape our informal everyday attitude. This recent video actually inspired me to do a deeper dive into the topic. Specifically, I want to explore not just what not to say, but how these phrases impact our own teams and, most importantly, what powerful alternatives we can use instead.
I highly recommend watching the full video. For any leader fascinated by the nuances of high-stakes communication, Dr. Lee’s work is a valuable resource. Dr. Grace Lee is a seasoned professional whose youtube channel is always focused on executive level conversations with strategic focus. She is both insightful and articulate, consistently providing actionable guidance grounded in perceptive analysis. I am embedding the video below, and I encourage you to explore her channel for more content on executive communication.
Dr. Lee’s advice is an excellent foundation for high-stakes communication. However, her focus is primarily on the boardroom. To truly master our leadership, we must also explore how we serve others not only through our actions but through our attitudes. Language is the primary tool through which our attitude is perceived and our own thinking is shaped. This is where we must introduce a core idea: Your Language is Your Leadership Blueprint. The words you choose don’t just convey ideas; they are the architectural plans that your team uses to build your culture. Every phrase lays a foundation for either trust or doubt, clarity or confusion.
This blueprint is built on a powerful feedback loop: how we think shapes how we speak, but just as importantly, the language we consciously choose reshapes how we think. Changing our words isn’t an act of pretense; it is the work of rewiring our own leadership mindset. With that in mind, let’s explore the common phrases that can undermine our foundation.
Dr. Lee’s video focuses on how these phrases are perceived in high-stakes conversations with senior leaders. This article will expand on her work in two key ways:
- First, we will analyze how these same phrases work against you when speaking with your peers and direct reports.
- Second, for each phrase, we will provide powerful, actionable alternatives you can use instead.
The golden thread
Your words are your leadership blueprint. What you say is as important as what you do. But a blueprint is useless unless it is intentional. As leaders, our language requires intentional design; it is the foundation upon which your team’s culture, trust, and psychological safety are built. If you want to build resilient teams, you must start by being intentional with how you speak to them.
When that blueprint is unclear or flawed —when our language is unintentional— we let our teams down. It is not uncommon for a direct report to lose faith in a new direction, not because the strategy was wrong, but because of the unintentional signals we sent in how we presented it. This is how we diminish our own leverage. We can measure the quality of our leadership by how much we multiply our impact through others. If our language does the opposite of inspiring and empowering them, then we are not just losing leverage; we are at risk of losing our team.
Three Patterns of Self-Sabotage
While not originally grouped this way by Dr. Grace Lee, the phrases she identifies fall into three distinct patterns. Understanding these patterns is the first step to rewriting our leadership blueprint.
- Phrases of Self-Doubt: These are the words that undermine our own conviction, making us appear indecisive. Things like “I think I could…” or “I’m not sure if this helps, but…” immediately hinder our impact and project uncertainty to our teams.
- Phrases of Deference: These are the apologies and absolute negatives that diminish our status. When we say, “Sorry, just one quick point,” we signal that our contribution is an interruption. When we say, “We can’t,” we position ourselves as roadblocks, not creative problem-solvers.
- Phrases of Risky Internal Monologue: These are the silent beliefs that shape our actions. Thoughts like “That’s above my pay grade” or “I’ll just do it myself” are particularly destructive for leaders looking to increase their leverage, as they lead to abdicated ownership and missed opportunities to empower others.
Phrases of self-doubt
These non-committal phrases express self-doubt, guesswork, and a perceived lack of capability. But let’s be clear: these phrases can be valid in the right context. The key is to be strategic and intentional.
1. “I think… I could…”
With peers and colleagues, we often use this phrase with good intentions—to propose an alternative without dismissing someone else’s idea. You might say, “I think we could do better if we measure X instead of Y.” While polite, this can still dilute your authority.
In collaborative settings where you have established rules of engagement—what I call a “friendly round table”—this language may be perfectly acceptable. However, for a more assertive and leader-worthy alternative that still invites collaboration, consider these:
- “I propose we…”
- “An alternative approach could be to…”
- “Building on that idea, what if we…”
2. “I’m not sure this helps, but…”
As a leader, your team looks to you for confidence. Starting a sentence this way immediately signals that you lack faith in your own contribution. You are essentially telling your team to discount the idea before you’ve even shared it.
A far more powerful technique is to explicitly “think out loud”. This allows you to explore a nascent idea without committing to it, while still projecting confidence and control over the process.
For example, when facing a resource issue, instead of saying “I’m not sure this helps,” try this:
“I’m just thinking out loud here, but what if we finish the next iteration of Project A by Wednesday? That could free up John and Joseph to tackle the technical approach for Project B. I’ll need to confirm with their manager, but it’s a potential path forward.”
You are still expressing uncertainty, but you are framing it as a strategic exploration of options, not as a lack of confidence in your own thinking.
3. “Does that make sense?”
This is perhaps the most common phrase of the three, and I use it myself. The key is when you use it. As Dr. Lee points out, using it to seek validation after presenting an idea makes you sound insecure. However, using it as a confirmation check after a decision has been made is different.
Once a plan is set and you have summarized the action items—_“I will line up the resources, and you will onboard John and Joseph”—_ending with a quick “Makes sense?” is an effective way to check for alignment.
But when you are in the middle of a discussion and want to invite feedback, there are much stronger alternatives that foster psychological safety and collaboration:
- “I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this.”
- “What challenges do you see with this approach?”
- “That’s my perspective. What am I missing?”
Phrases of deference
These are the phrases that diminish our status and signal to others that we believe our own contribution is not valuable. We inadvertently defer to others, weakening our position as leaders.
1. “Sorry, just one quick point…”
This phrase is an apology for taking up space. It immediately signals that what you are about to say is a minor, perhaps inconsequential, interruption. You are essentially asking to be dismissed before you’ve even made your point. If you want your ideas to be treated with importance, you must present them that way.
What to Do Instead:
Seize the moment with confidence. Instead of apologizing, use a clear and assertive transition. If you have a single point to make, try:
- “Before we move to the next topic…”
- “One last thing on this before we conclude…”
For example, when wrapping up a budget discussion, instead of a timid “Sorry…”, you could say:
“Before we move on, I’d like to establish that while the budget covers our current plans, we have little buffer for unforeseen risks. I propose we review our capacity every three months. Can we agree on this and assign an owner for that review?”
Notice how this frames the idea as an important, forward-looking proposal. Had you started with “Sorry…”, it could have been easily dismissed. You dismissed yourself.
If you have several points, introduce them with a clear agenda:
“Before we move on, I have two points to make. First, on the potential risks to these timelines, and second, on the budget review cadence. Regarding the risks…”
This technique asks everyone to listen, reclaiming the space you need to be heard.
2. “We can’t.”
This phrase positions you as a blocker, not a creative problem-solver. Psychologically, you are not only saying that something cannot be done right now, but you are signaling to everyone that you do not have the capability of seeing a solution.
Now, there are rare scenarios where this is the right call—specifically, when defending a firm ethical or contractual line. For example, “We can’t break the trust of our customers” or “We can’t do that; it would be a breach of contract.”. These are examples where we categorically cannot do something.
However, even here, you can choose a more collaborative approach. Instead of a hard stop, you could ask differently, in a more Simon Sinek-esque way:
“I need a bit more help on this. Could you explain to me how you see this idea being implemented without breaching our contract? Perhaps I misunderstood you.”
This maintains the boundary while inviting a solution-oriented conversation.
What to Do Instead:
For all other situations, treat the word “can’t” as a personal trigger. The moment you are about to say it, stop yourself and ask: “Is it truly impossible, or is it that I don’t yet see the solution?” Turn this into an opportunity to leverage your team’s collective intelligence.
- Instead of “We can’t do that with our current resources.” try “We all know this seems to be extremely challenging, so we should welcome ideas from anyone. Would someone like to share any thoughts? They don’t need to be complete, but perhaps we can use them to get us started in the conversation.”
If you do say “can’t” by accident, correct yourself immediately. This shows self-awareness.
“Let me rephrase that. It seems like we can’t do this right now. However, I believe we can explore a solution here. Let’s start by…”
People will not think less of you for correcting yourself. They will see you as a self-aware and resilient leader.
Phrases of risky internal monologue
As Dr. Lee mentions, these are usually said internally, although sometimes we can hear them externally as well. Whether because of social media, TV series, or movies, we might tend to think that saying something is “above our pay grade” is some kind of “power move” where we are establishing clear boundaries. What we are actually doing in this case is undermining ourselves, signaling, “I am neither interested nor ready to take on this”.
One thing we should be very clear about is that there is a part of the job where we are accountable by default; it’s our job description and the team we lead. However, once you start leading people, you have joined a new board, and the question is what you will do next. When we move into leadership positions, we will be thrown opportunity after opportunity to increase our accountability.
1. “That’s Not My Job / Above My Pay Grade”
When you feel the urge to say something is not your job, there are at least two powerful, leader-led proposals I can make.
First, if you truly believe this is out of bounds for you, the question is not how to reject it, but “Do you know who should be doing this?”. Instead of rejecting the idea, you can redirect your energy and say something like:
“I believe we should have UX involved in this, as they need to own this decision, not me. I am happy to follow up with them if that’s fine with you.”
In this scenario, you take ownership of the solution, but you also honour people’s jobs and opportunities. You become the facilitator, not a contract-oriented silo. Even if you do not enjoy your job or have a particularly bad experience with your managers, I would still propose you do this. No one can take away the experience you build, and you can bring that into your next leadership role if your days at your current company are numbered.
Another thing that happens often is that we become bitter because we are actually doing something out of bounds, but we expect someone else to be taking charge. In these cases, it’s worth clarifying with your own manager where your time needs to be spent. Instead of dismissing accountability, present it as a strategic choice:
“I have the impression my time would be best spent on X and Y activities to maximize our impact. Can you help me delegate this over to the Z team?”
This is a positive framing. You are not coming with an ultimatum, and you are not showing a lack of ownership. Quite the contrary, you are now working outside of your own cone of authority and influencing the rest of the organisation. This is the actual power move.
2. “I’ll Just Do It Myself”
If you find yourself thinking, “I can do this quickly”, then 99% of the time, you are losing an opportunity to delegate. Sure, you might be the utmost expert on the topic and can get something done blindfolded, but you are missing out on investing your time in others. As Ken Coleman says, instead of working in production, work in reproduction.
I will admit, sometimes it is also worth leading by example in the trenches. You just have to be very cautious about what you choose to take on yourself.
If you take a task that can be done better by your team, then keep it delegated. You might think this is a way for you to learn, but it might send the wrong signals to your team; they could feel you are diminishing them. If you are taking on something that surpasses the team’s capabilities, then your job should be to invest and grow your people so they can surpass the task in the future. If the challenge is just a bit outside of their boundary of expertise, then it’s a fantastic growth opportunity as it is right now. Give it to them, and they will grow that extra bit they need. And if you are the expert here, even better: coach them through it, but empower them to resolve it.
There is that 1% of the time where it is better you do it yourself, especially if a critical variable like time or scope gets out of control. But as we have seen, most of the time it is better you invest in your people. It is always the best long-term move.
Conclusion
This topic is a personal passion of mine because I believe the language we use is not about cheap politics or saving face; it is about sending the right signals to do better business and be better humans. Inspiring others is perhaps the hardest, yet most important, thing we do as leaders, and every piece of knowledge we can grasp on this topic makes us more effective.
This is the work of being an intentional leader. It’s about recognizing that our words are the Leadership Blueprint for our culture. Every phrase is a decision that lays a foundation for either trust or doubt, clarity or confusion.
The point, then, is not whether you occasionally use a weak phrase—we all do. The point is to recognize the powerful feedback loop we discussed earlier. By consciously choosing more powerful language, you are not just changing how you are perceived.
It’s not only about words; it’s about shaping our minds. Become externally what you want to become internally. In doing so, you are not just acting like a better leader —you are actively rewiring yourself to become one.